YOOOO!! BLOG
FAAANNNSSS!!!
Long time no
seeeee!! I’ve been in China the last three weeks. Touring with G Adventures
from Hong Kong to Beijing... I’ve had no Facebook, no Instagram, no YouTube,
not even GOOOOGLE! So I’ve invested all my time in writing an awesome diary
style blog! :-) Everyone’s favourite type of blog!! There is a lot to read, so
tighten your shorts, and get ready for a blogtastic Chinese diary :D Chaaa!
Chapter 1: NOTHING CAN GO WRONG, IN HONG KONG
Days 1 – 2
We left Osaka, Japan early in the morning. For some reason neither of
our alarms went off, but my psychic powers made me wake up 5 minutes after the
alarm was due... So we made our flight... When we arrived in Hong Kong it
looked a bit like Sim City... You know when build a really good city, and you
have no buildings that are under like 600 levels high? That’s what it looked
like... We checked into our hostel, and we had to quickly adjust to the gritty backpacker
lifestyle again. After being so spoilt, and pampered like chubby little babies with
our beautiful hostels in Japan... Cat had a little complaint about there being
only one shower and toilet on our hostel floor. Her bladder wouldn’t wanna wait
for 8 or 9 people using it to be fair... Then there was confusion, and it
seemed that the hostel owner made a mistake with someone else’s booking... So
she moved these new people into our room, and said to us “YOU GET FLEE UPGWADE,
COME!” So we followed her to another building... I’m usually suspicious of
“free upgrades”, and for good reason blog fans... Coz our new “hostel”... was a
BROTHEL... lol no shit... 3 prozzies standing outside smoking, and hourly
rented rooms for all the romantic couples that visited... But apart from that
and the filthy smelly building, the new room was OK.
The next day we checked OUT of our brothel, and in to a nice hotel
around the corner :-) It was the first accommodation included in our Hong Kong
to Beijing tour. And apart from having a mattress like concrete, it was pretty
posh ;-) We went up to Victorias Peak to see amazing views of the city, then we
came back to meet up with our new tour group. The group was less varied in age
to our last one. Everyone was between 18-35 roughly. Typically about 60% of the
group was English. The other 40% was made up of mostly Canadians, and a couple
others from Norway, Germany, Ireland... Everyone seemed pretty cool though.
Half of us went out for dinner together in a market that night. We had the
choice of many delicious dishes, such as chicken feet, pig intestine, and
frog... I played it cool and had sweet and sour chicken... It was good. Pretty
much what you would get at home, so I was happy with that ;-) Safety first on
day one blog fans.....
Chapter 2 : KUNG POW, IN YANGSHUO
Days 3 – 5
We crossed
the border into mainland China. It was all pretty busy and hectic. Cat took the
opportunity to withdraw Chinese Yen at the station, and what does she do?
Leaves her card in the ATM... Classic Cat init... Luckily the tour guide
noticed before anyone else did, and handed it back to us. When we finally got
to Yangshuo, there was actually a lot more going on there than I imagined! It was
busy with domestic tourists, and there were loads of markets, clubs, bars, and
restaurants around. All surrounded by the really cool mountains... We went out for
a cheap meal (a lot cheaper than HK) and then to a bar for a couple drinks... The
bar was pretty crappy and overpriced, so Cat and I left, and went home early...
The next day we got the choice to do 2 “add on activities”. One was a boat
trip, and one was a cooking class... We decided not to do the cooking, as we
couldn’t really afford to do EVERY extra activity on the list, and we wanted to
do cooking in Vietnam. The guys that DID do it said it was really good. But
when they walked around the market afterwards, a lot of them saw dead cats hung
up on hooks, and skinned for meat... and also dogs in cages... For food... :-/
So that was pretty sad to see... Kinda glad I missed that bit... We did pay for
the boat trip down the Li River, which was pretty good... The only thing was,
we paid extra for that, and we did ANOTHER boat trip, almost EXACTLY the same
the next day! Which was a bit annoying... That day turned out to be a REALLY
good one though. We hired bikes, then, after the boat trip, we did a few hikes,
went into caves, had a MUD BATH (which was sick), then bathed in natural hot springs.
The tour met up for dinner later that day without our tour guide, so we decided
to go to a restaurant where we could eat alfresco and people watch. We noticed
HUNDREDS of Chinese tourists, looking, at us, and taking photos. Some of them
were being really sly and sneaky, but some were just blatant about it. We
didn’t understand the fascination. It was like we were Hollywood stars being
papped or something... We all had Kung Fu lessons in the park the next morning.
Our teacher explained the meaning behind ying and yang in martial arts. Defence
and attack, body and mind etc... I like that stuff... Was expecting a lot more
photos of the “stupid westerners”, doing Kung Fu in the public park. But there
was only a crowd of about ten paps, as opposed to ten HUNDRED from the night
before... I think our professional Kung Fu skills must of called out the rain
dragon or something, coz as soon as we finished, it started PISSING down! We
had to run back to the hotel soaking wet, just in time to pack all our wet
clothes into our backpacks for the 21hr train journey ahead. Whilst waiting to
leave, I got some food with a few guys from the group. What I ordered came out
completely wrong... They brought out a fruit salad that I didn’t ask for, and
put MAYONAISE all over it. (Even fruit salad is a challenge in China blog fans)...
The guy next to me, ordered french fries... he got some brown seeds on a saucer...
Mega lolz... Anyway, we got to the station for the sleeper train, and again it
was a bit busy and hectic. Dunno what it is about Chinese people, but every
time there’s a door or gate to go through, the go F***ING METAL, and just push and
shove their way through it. I got pretty close to wanting to punch someone a
couple times. But most the time I managed to smile, and get pushed through like
I was in a mosh pit of happiness :-) Weeeee :-D
Chapter 3: BING
DA LA BANG, WE”RE IN YICHANG
Days 6 – 8
Woke up on
the sleeper train at the top of a three tier bunkbed. So my face was more or
less touching the ceiling as I woke up. After that long arse train journey, we
had to wait 3hrs in the next station to get ANOTHER train. The toilets seemed
to be getting worse as we went on too. They went from private squat toilets, to
squatters that had no doors and actually FACED each other! Could literally make
eye contact with someone as you’re squeezing one out! They were getting
smellier too. Not only from the piss and shit, but all toilets seem to be also
used as public smoking areas in China. So all toilets STANK of smoke. Swear you
could literally get cancer in the time it took to take a piss... Finally got to
another really nice hotel in Yichang, showered, and went straight out for
lunch. It was a conveyer-belt style restaurant, where you could add ingredients
going round to your hotpot. Obviously, this is China, so apart from noodles and
rice, they had classic dishes such as chickens foot, and ducks blood. I DID try
the chickens foot this time... It wasn’t very good lol... Was a bit rubbery,
and nibbling around a toe bone, and toenail didn’t feel like a natural thing to
do for dinner... At night we went for KARAOKE AGAIN! Not even too long after
last doing it in Japan... We all got stuck in the lift on the way up. About 18
of us crammed in a 12 man lift, and it just shut down lol... It delayed me
having to sing karaoke for a bit, but unfortunately we made it out alive...
Everyone predrank before us in the hotel, but Cat accidently told everyone the
wrong room number. So we weren’t invited, and we were there stone sober, with a
bunch of tipsy, loud people, signing Five or Steps... Great lol... Cat then
decided to shout to everyone “Rob raps! Rob raps!”... I was like “OMG... Why is
she doing this”. So then everyone assumed I knew every rap song in the history
of the world, word for word. People were playing a load of Eminem songs, and
new rappers I barely heard of... and handed me the mic like “GO ROB! WOOO!!”
lol Fenton.... We got a load of vodka and beers, and I did a good job catching
up to everyone’s drunk level, to participate a bit. There was no Run DMC,
Beastie boys, or even OUTKAST on the list (In English anyway). But I think I
did a bit of “Mo Money Mo Problems”, Rod Stewart, Funky Town, Mr Vain... By the
end of the night, I was actually the last person in the room, and I had a
drunken hissy fit because I couldn’t play the songs I wanted to sing lol! Bit
out of character... :-/ Was a good night
though... I’d actually say Chinese karaoke beats Japanese karaoke so far! :-0
Woke up
early the next morning, crack of dawning, yawing, and hungover... We got a boat
down the Three Gorges river... It was a nice and relaxing thing to do after
heavy drinking. The boat was full of Chinese tourists again, which of course,
were more fascinated by us than the river. Their holiday snaps must be like
“Here’s the boat... and this is the river... And OMG!! LOOK! WHITE PEOPLE!!” I
went from feeling like we were monkeys in a zoo, to being quite cool with it actually.
Especially if they ask to take a photo, rather than just shoving a camera in
your face. Different members of the tour got different levels of fascination.
It was kinda like you got “honky points”. Like having blonde hair, pale skin,
blue eyes, would all give a major honky point advantage. Cat and I weren’t so
high in the honky point league. But when the weather got really hot, and I took
off my jacket, and stood there in my vest. Then, OMG blog fans, honky points
went through the ROOF! Some people would literally stand next to me staring at
my arms and all my tattoos. Was weird, but, we got used to it, and ended up
kinda liking it. Our tour guide explained that most of these domestic tourists,
came from rural parts of China, and might not of ever seen white people in the
flesh before. So it makes it a LITTLE BIT more understandable... But just a little
bit blog fans.....
Chapter 4: THE
MASTER PLAN, FOR XI’AN
Days 9 -11
Had a big
lie in, in our Yichang hotel, and watched 5hrs of Adventure Time (thats not
even exaggerating). We checked out late, and went on a small hike. We got to a
nice view of Yichang city and the bridge. Some of the others wanted to hike up
for a further 10mins for a better view. Me and an Australian girl didn’t really
see the point, or want to get sweaty before the train ride, so we waited at the
bridge... The “10 minute walk” took them over an hour to come back... After that
long rest, we went to Walmart to buy some food for the next night train. They
actually had some normal stuff there – Chocolate bars, crisps, fruit... Then
they added their own spin on things in the deli section... Live crabs, and
toads the size of a baby pigs!... We decided not to go for the toad that day,
and stuck with pot noodles :-) I already had a dodgy stomach, and had to rush
back to the squat toilets. I left Cat in Walmart, and when I saw her again, she
had about 6 weeks worth of food on her... Dunno who she thought she was feeding...
I shovelled through the bags for the fruit, crisps, and everything that I
specifically picked out for my food... And none of it was there. Apparently all
the things I wanted we didn’t need... But we needed 5 days worth of Cats
favourite food. Anyway, we got on the next sleeper train to Xi’an. I got the
short straw, and had to sleep on the top bunk again... Xi’an was really cool
though. It was the old capital of China, and is full of history. The main
attraction there is the Terracotta Warriors. They were only discovered a couple
decades ago, and are still excavating now. There are about two thousand of
them, all carved with individual armour and faces. It started in 247BC.
Crazy.... After that, we went back into town to watch a fountain light show.
Cat and I found street food, where we could sit down and have a beer. A load of
college girls came up to us, and asked me to fill out a questionnaire and take
photos of us. Funny how much they appreciate little things like that. So
excited lol... We met rest of the group in Burger King around the corner. Cat
and I scoffed up all their leftovers, and then went to watch the fountain show.
Was pretty cool. There was one specific fountain that squirted SO high. Some of
us were whooping and making orgasm noises to it... Everyone hated us lol...
Next day we cycled the Xi’an wall. Was pretty sick-a-lick. Really liked all our
cycle trips actually. The Xi’an wall was cool though. It was like The (not so)
Great Wall of China... After that, we spent the rest of the day at a market and
saw a mosque and stuff. Was a good day out... Then night train number 3! Tori,
our guide told us, no one had top bunks this time... But i still got a middle
bunk... typical... Got a bit lucky this time round though, as a couple in our
group wanted to sleep closer to each other. So I exchanged, and got a bottom
bunk :-) Yay!
Chapter 5: OH
HI, SHANGHAI
Days 12 – 14
Arrived in
Shanghi, greeted by clouds, rain, and a lot of traffic. Might as well of been
back in London... But I instantly liked Shanghi. On our first day, we had a bit
of trouble with checking into the hotel. But we went for a walk to an old part
of the city. Had really pretty old buildings, little ponds, and we went into a
really nice garden, that reminded me a bit of the Japanese ones we saw in
Kyoto. When the sun went down, most of the group went off to see an acrobatic
show. Which was another one Cat and I felt we could sacrifice for monies sake.
So me and Cat went with 2 others from our tour to “The Bund”, which is the
famous river area, and skyline of Shanghi. It was still pissing down at this
point, but it was so pretty there. Proper romantic ;-) I’d actually say I was
more impressed by the Shanghi skyline, than I was with the Hong Kong one.
Shanghi had one side full of old European looking buildings, and the other side
looked like a more futuristic Asian / space alien type shiz... Was cool... The
four of us wanted a drink, but couldn’t be bothered walking in the rain to find
a bar on the bund. So we stopped off at a little “hole in the wall” type
restaurant on the way back. The drinks in there were cheap, and the woman working
there was really nice, but a bit mental. She was super excited to have us
there. When we said we only wanted a beer each, but she kept going to her
little bbq, trying to tempt us with other stuff... Waving several sticks of
octopus, squid, horse, ferret, or whatever the hell she was cooking...
The next
day, most of the group went back to the bund anyway. It was a nicer day, and we
got a boat down the river in the evening. We floated down the river and got to
see even more of the skyline, with all the lights on and shiz... We all got a
load of photos taken of us again too. Two girls next to me from the group were
getting loads taken of them, then some woman got me involved and said “photo of
the handsome prince!” :-p Swag... lol....
Racism works
both ways though blog fans... One minute we’re getting group photos, and being
called princes and shit... The next minute, we’re outside on the street waiting
for a cab, and no one stops for us! WTF?? Felt like we were a group of young
black men in 1970’s New York or something... We had to get one of the Canadian
boys (who is of Japanese descent) to stand out on the street to flag them down.
Then when they stop, all the honkeys jumped out like spooks in the night lol...
Gotta do what you gotta do, ay... Finished Shanghi with a really cheap BBQ
dinner, then went to a pub for really expensive beers. Win some, lose some... We
just had a quiet drink in the pub, played “Heads Up”, then went to bed...
Chapter 6:
DOING OUR THING, IN BEIJING
Days 15 – 18
Woke up on
our last Chinese sleeper train (middle bunk this time) at 5am. Got woken up by
a human fog horn. Seemed to be tradition to put be next to a loud snorer on
these trains tbh... Cat got woken up by a Chinese family talking really loudly
at 4:30am where she was. Chinese people LOVE the mornings man. They cant get
enough of it...
The first
thing we did in Beijing was cycle to a family home for lunch. It became quite
normal for us to invade some old persons home, sit down, devour whatever is in
front of us, then piss off and leave... What WASN’T normal though, was Mr
cricket fighter... Basically blog fans, there is this guy, whos made a living,
and come to fame, by fighting crickets... No shit... He used to run illegal
bets, for people to put money on two crickets fighting to the death. He said
people have won homes, cars, and all sorts of mad shit doing it. Naturally,
this guy was a nutcase... He showed us mini little cricket size coffins he
buries his champion crickets in, and guess what he does with the dead losing
crickets blog fans?? He cooks them into dumplings and EATS THEM... This is the
shit we are dealing with!...
We went to a
Shoalin kung fu show later that day. Wu Tang style! HuWha! Was pretty awesome
actually. Was a story about the philosophies of kung fu and Buddhism. Also
threw in some mad tiger / dragon style kicking action. Had little 8 year old kids
there doing back flips, using the top of their bloody CRANIUM, blog fans. Was
maaad!
The next day
we got into the serious Beijing sightseeing. Tian’Anmen Square and The
Forbidden City. The Forbidden City was a mini city, closed off by a wall, built
for one former emperor... Rolling deep... Some of us also stopped off at The
Temple Of Heaven. That was just a really good, touristy, photo taking day... At
night though, SHIT HIT THE FAAAN, BLOG FANS! We all went to a food market,
where you can REALLY push your limits with challenging treats... It was like
bush-tucker trial, in urban China... I ate... Scorpion, centipede, starfish,
snake, and a f***ing TARANTULA blog fans! A F***ING TARANTULAAA!!! :-0 LUCKILY,
all these delightful dishes were shared by me, and 2 or 3 of the other bravest
/ sickest people on tour... Centipede wasn’t too bad. Just a bit prickly...
Starfish, was fishy, weird texture, not awful, but not good... Snake was only a
little small thing. Taste a bit like burnt bacon to be honest... Tarantula was
the worst. I don’t like spiders... Eating them either... The legs tasted a bit
like snake actually (never thought id say that sentence in my lifetime). I had
a little nibble of the arse, and it just tasted like some mouldy shit you found
down the side of your couch. Made me feel sick... Just thinking that it used to
store eggs, or spider webs in that dirty little arsehole of his made me wanna
vom... Scorpion was the best though! I could eat scorpion all day! :-D Lol....
Luckily my
stomach wasn’t too bad from that jungle buffet. Coz the next was GREAT WALL OF
CHINA!! We got up really early, and Tori took us to a lesser touristy area of
it. It was AWESOME. Enjoyed it more than I imagined actually. I had visions of
Karl Pilkington on An Idiot Abroad, with all the queing, and barging, and
shit... But we had none of that. Quick cable car up, and we were free to roam
for a few hours. We walked a decent amount of it. I separated from Cat and
climbed to one the highest points of the wall. It was so f***ing steep...
Almost killed myself getting to the top. Took a few sexy pictures with the rest
of the group, then started the steep decline down... Half way down the stairs,
who do i see coming up? Cat lol... So of course, I had to turn my arse around,
and climb about the last 100 steps up again with her. Was good to get a photo
with her at the top though... We tobogganed down to the bottom of the hill on
the way back. Was sick... We were one of the last few people back, and we met
the rest of the team in Subway, for lunch... The first thing they do is all
hold up a picture that they all shared amongst themselves of Cat sleeping on
the bus here haha. Mouth open, tongue out, and everything... Classic
Shmoseby...
After the
Great Wall, we all went out for our last meal together :-( We ate Peking duck,
and said bye and thank you to our guide Tori. She did a really good job... We
then all went out to a really cheap bar for a few drinks... Got totally
smashed... All the drinks there were about 10yen each, but me and Cat still
managed to spend 400yen between us there. We also managed to get our hands on
this Chinese rice wine, that we made famous in the UK for being the worst
tasting alcohol ever... Everyone called it Chinese Devil Piss... It didn’t
taste quite as bad in China actually for some reason. But the combination of
slyly swigging that in the corner, and everything else we drank was pretty
lethal... No surprise I came home worse for wear, and chundered EVERYWAHHH!!
Must of got up 2 or 3 times in the night. Puke all down the toilet, sink, bit
on the floor and walls... Good night! :-D ... And a good way to END THE TOUR!
;-D
SO THAT WAS
IT! A couple of the tour peeps extended their times in Beijing to do stuff. Me
and Cat had one extra day... On the last day a few of us remaining ones went to
the Beijing Zoo and saw PANDA BEARS :-D Suppose thats another thing you should
tick off the “to do list” of China... But that was it! The end!! Had a REALLY
good time in China. I actually liked the country more and more as time went on.
Everyone on our group was really cool. Really liked them all. I don’t really
like being in big crowds of people... I was a bit like that in my last tour in
South America. But everyone was really cool, and we’ll probably see a lot of
them again. Possibly in Asia, or London, or wherever else...
That’s all
I’ve got to say about China! Thank you for reading again blogs fans. Its a long
arse blog, and I know if someone told me to read a blog this big, I probably
wouldn’t bother lol... So get your arses to bed blog fans! You probably have
work in the morning, you fiends!
Until next
time...
Keep your
shorts tight!
Off to
Vietnam now!
Zooooooooooooooooooooooooooppaahhhh!!
