DUH DUH DUUHHH!!! We’re going to war bog fans! Now for all my British blog fans at home, I know you know AT LEAST 1 or 2 facebook contacts, in Australia, posting annoyingly smug statuses about beaches, sun and fun. Selfies, screen shots of weather forecasts, and generally touching themselves with gloating excitement... BUT should you believe the hype!? What – is – the - deal!? Well, keep your shorts tight, coz im breaking shit down like a b-boy on a sugar rush...
FOOTBALL vs
“FOOTBALL”
One of the
main tings I miss about the UK is the football. Real football... If Australia
wants to be taken seriously, they should really sort this shit out. The AFL (Aussie Football League) is NOT
football. If ANYTHING its a gay version of Rugby. Yeah, that’s right, I said it
– Gay Rugby!... I don’t know what they were thinking when they created this
game. Its basically Rugby but the pass the ball weird, and wear the TIGHTEST
batty rider hot pants. I swear these guys must all be impotent or something.
Its aggressive, I give them that, but naaahhh... Its no Premier League... Plus all
their teams are called things like “The Storm!” and “The Rabbitohs!” The
national football team is called the “SOCCEROOS” and the national basketball
team is called the “BOOMERS” lol def gay though...
VERDICT – UK
DOGS vs
DINGOS
Most Brits talk
about this when coming to Aus. DANGEROUS ANIMALS... Australia has snakes that
can kill you, spiders that can kill you, crocodiles that can kill you, sharks,
cassowaries, dingos, kangaroos, even the bloody koalas can give you an STI! So
think twice if you decide to bum one of them, blog fans... But seriously, what
do we have in the UK? Pigeons and rats?... That’s about it when it comes to
wild animals really. Oh, and maybe the odd fox or two. I’ve had a few close
encounters with nasties in my time here. But to be honest, I’m still alive, so
far, and at least the wildlife here is a little more interesting...
VERDICT –
AUS
I don’t know
what the social definition for a chav, or a bogan really is. But from what I
can tell, a bogan is pretty much the same as a chav. Suppose Jeremy Kyle is a
good reference point... I think maybe chavs are a bit more urban and scummy -
whereas bogans are usually dirty little rednecks with missing teeth... Dunno, maybe
I’m a chav? Suppose it depends on how damning the chav / bogan labelling is
really... Anyway... I hate rednecks, so...
VERDICT – UK
LAMBRINI vs
GOON
OMG goon!!
Gooooon!!! Ok, let me compose myself. I was never really a Lambrini drinker in
the UK. For anyone who doesn’t know, Lambrini is a cheap wine in the UK, famous
for 14 year old girls drinking it in parks. Which is pretty much what goon is
for Aussies... Or maybe thats Passion Pop? I love a bit of P.O.P too, but lets
focus on the goon for now :) It comes in 4ltr bags, and costs $12 on average.
Its so cheap, that I think they cant legally label it as “wine”. Its called
FRUITY LEXIA. Some people hate goon, and have bad reactions to it. But after a
while - a beautiful thing. So many fun times and memories have been created, and
so many brain cells destroyed :) Without it, id have a lot fewer friends in
Aus, trust me... It brings a whole new meaning to “fun bags”! Ah, goon. I will
miss goon... Good ol goon... Ah... Goon :D xxx
VERDICT –
AUS
BOOZE vs
GROG
As we’re on
the subject of alcohol - let’s compare the rest. Goon aside, drinking in the UK
is a lot better for many reasons. One of the main reasons is because of a dirty
little word in Aus: “RSA”. Responsible Service of Alcohol. Its the biggest pile
of shit ever. It basically means you’re supposed to go out to clubs, and dance,
and talk... But you can’t get DRUNK, oh nooo! The drinking laws in Australia
are PATHETIC! Bouncers won’t let you in clubs for being tipsy, you can get
removed from clubs for ANYTHING, you can’t have doubles after midnight, no
shots after midnight, shots are expensive and no offers are allowed... it
sucks!! Without goon, I don’t know what they’ll do! So what are you supposed to
do? Buy a beer and have a reasonable, sober conversation with my peers? Psst,
Ich don’t think so blog fans. Goon and house parties is the way forward. Goon
all night long please :D
VERDICT – UK
PRIMARK vs
K-MART
Everyone
loves a store that uses child labour to bring us cheap goodies! :) What’s the
major difference? Well, K-Mart is a lot more like the American Wall-Mart. It
has anything you can think of – from clothes, to kitchenware, to sports stuff,
electronics. Primark is just a chaotic heap of shit really. You can only get
clothes there, and shopping there usually feels like you’re doing grocery
shopping at a manic New Delhi, Sunday market...
VERDICT –
AUS
SARAHS vs
SHEILAS
Time for me
to get even more shallower... Which is better? Well, let’s just say the weather
aint the ONLY hot thing in Australia blog fans! ;) Hell yeeeaa!... I mean, they
probably get a bit of help from the tans, outdoor jogging, and beach
lifestyles... Some of the Aussie girls have a rep for being a bit more stuck up
though. Some come across as pouty little bitches. But still... Tamarama! ;)
VERDICT –
AUS
BRONSON vs
CHOPPER
I really don’t
know. But it would be interesting... Dont know if im talking about the films,
the people, or who would win in a fight... Dont even know why im typing about
it... Just don’t know blog fans...
VERDICT – ???
CHRISTMAS vs
“CHRISTMAS”
I’m
approaching my 2nd Christmas in Aus, and it just aint the sames...
Its approaching the end of September now, so in the UK, Christmas is probably
in full swing. Which is kind of lame to be honest... Coz after our “summer”,
there aint much more to look forward to. So by September, Christmas is in the
shops, in the magazines, on the TV, in the adverts. Its everywhere. Which is
shit... But when it finally comes around, we do it properly. Cold weather,
knitted scarfs, Christmas jumpers, stockings, and a big roast. Thats what
Christmas is all about!! None of that shrimp on the barbie bullshit!... Plus,
they call Christmas crackers, “Bon-Bon’s”... Yeah, I know....
VERDICT – UK
EAST ENDERS
vs NEIGHBOURS
I hate both...
All soaps suck arse... But this aint about them two. It’s about TV in general.
A lot of Brits have said to me “Australian TV is shit, init”. I suppose it
depends on what you mean. I actually like Australian TV. They have a lot of
good programs on, and every night there’s a decent movie or 2 to watch. But if you’re
talking about Australian TV made by AUSTRALIANS, then yeah... Its pretty shit.
Most of the stuff they play is British and American anyway. But all their game
shows are just lame imitations, and the acting in their soaps is TERRIBLE! So I
would actually say EastEnders wins...Plus, some of their regional adverts
OMG... They make me cry with embarrassment...
VERDICT – UK
BOURNEMOUTH
vs BONDI
Rhetorical
question? A lot of Aussies say they don’t like Bondi. They think its
over-crowded, and over hyped compared to other beaches they have. Which is
true... But they obviously haven’t seen Bournemouth on a sunny day, have they...
I think we usually match the entire Aussie population on that beach during our
one week of summer. Spoilt bastards...
VERDICT –
AUS
£ vs $
The pound is
powerful, and is probably the best currency to travel with. But working in
Australia, is so much more of a better deal than home. They get paid so much
more, and although people say “Australia’s expensive”. It really isn’t, for
most things. There’s always jobs available here too. I came to this country as
a half way point of my travels, to save money and continue my travels. You can
land jobs here with little to no experience or qualifications, and earn more
than someone at home with a university degree. If you have a skill or trade,
you could come here, and literally rape!
VERDICT – AUS
PISS OFF vs
PEEEEEZ ORFFF
We def have
cooler accents blog fans ;) We say “yog-urt” They say “yo-gurt”. We say “pasta”
they say “parrrsta”. We say “Christmas crackers” they say.... “BONBONS!”
ARRGHH!! Their accents can be a bit cringe. It doesn’t vary too much like ours
either. Its either Aussie, or Bogan hillbilly. My argument is - we speak the
correct way, as ENGLISH is from ENGLAND... :D Ha!!
VERDICT – UK
MARMITE &
PENGUINS vs VEGEMITE & TIMTAMS
If you don’t
know what Marmite and Penguins are, or Vegemite and Timtams. They’re BASICALLY
the same thing. I don’t overly care too much about any of these products.
Regardless to what the advert says – I don’t love OR hate Marmite. But I can be
partial to it on a bit of toast now and then. I haven’t tried Vegemite yet. But
ive smelt it, and it smells just like Marmite, mixed with baby diarrhea :/
Timtams are good though! I used to think they were a bit over hyped. But then i
was introduced to the caramel, peanut butter, and white chocolate ones. Mmm... Marmite beats Vegemite – Timtams beat
Penguins...
VERDICT – Draw
HYDE PARK vs
“HYDE PARK”
Obviously our
Hyde Park in London, is the original - and Sydney are just faking the funk...
But i cant judge them on that... In general, most Australian cities have lots
of parks, and gardens, and they’re all really nice. One of the best things about
living in Sydney was you could always just go to the park, or botanical gardens
and just chill there... The sun it out, the grass is green, and you can get
nice views, and you can do some bird watching (In both senses of the word). And
you can bring GOON!! I’ve done about 6000 BBQs in various parks around
Australia. I will miss them times when im back in the UKs greyness.
VERDICT – AUS
RITA ORA vs IGGY AZALEA
Yeah, I know ive probably just
picked out the worst possible names to make a comparison on music. But which
country has the best music scene? Rhetorical question? Another thing I miss
about living in London, is the buzzing music scene. Whether it was a local or
overseas artist, I could literally see someone I liked every week. I do love
finding new music, and I have found a few pretty awesome artists from
Australia... But to be honest, the list of amazing artists from the UK, just go
on and on and on...
VERDICT – UK
This aint a direct comparison
of Londons tube, to Melbournes Tram. But a comparison of transport in general.
Local transport in most of Australia sucks pretty bad. In a lot of cities the
service has been irregular, slow, dated, and they use stupid systems. But then,
you can look at the UK, and I haven’t seen hardly any of my homeland. This is
mostly down to the ridiculous prices for trains and petrol, and all the bloody
road works and traffic that holds people back from travelling it. I could
probably fly from Adelaide to Darwin for cheaper than a train from London to
Newcastle. But on the other hand, I cant get home from the centre of Darwin
because buses stop running at 9:30pm. What the hell is that about?...
VERDICT – Draw
I spoke about food already,
but a lot of people like to yap their opinions about it. I don’t see the big
deal... Find something you like and shove it down your throat! The GENERAL
opinion is... Our Nandos is better, their Subways is better. Their McDonalds is
cheaper, their Burger King is called Hungry Jacks. Our chicken is cheaper,
their beef is cheaper. Their fruit is expensive, but eating out is cheap. Our
Indian is better, their Chinese beats ours... Blah blah blah blah!!... Nearly
every Brit ive met has told me what food they miss from home. Ironically
Britain has a reputation for having shit food. To be honest, I got the feeling
ill be missing more food ive had out here, then I do from home now. Mainly
because, eating out IS cheap! I will miss $1 hot dogs, $5 pizzas, $10 steak and
mash, and 30cent Ice creams from McDonalds. Yeah, 30cent... Thats like, 17p.
Its a joke... When you combine that with all the tasty Asian food they do round
here, you can shove that “I miss Yorkshire puddings” attitude up your arse!
VERDICT – AUS
Just thought this category
up... James Bond has crazy gadgets, drives flash cars, shags hot bitches, and
saves the world... What does Crocodile Dundee actually do? Sharpen knifes and
fingers crocodiles bumholes!? HA!...
VERDICT – UK
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS vs
POLITICAL RESPECTLESS
Ooooh!! Touchy subject blog
fans... Let me start off by saying race issues on Australia seem to be a big
topic amongst backpackers. Im just gonna speak my opinion on it... To say
Australia is a racist country, is a racist remark... So people saying that
obviously aint very open minded, and don’t know how racial profiling actually works.
What I CAN say though, is the UK seems to be a very “P.C”, and Australia is
not. They’re overly patriotic, and patriotism is frowned upon back home. This
is not about individual people, but just in general... Some things can be quite
a shock compared to what im used to. This is not just racial, sexist, or
religious issues. But even things like swearing and watershed on TV, is a lot
more lax here. I think at the end of the day, all countries roughly have an
equal amount racists and bigots - obviously. The main difference is when
someone shouts something like “I fucking hate jews!” ..In Australia people are
like “Hmm, fair enough” Whilst in the UK, you’ve probably already been
decapitated... I agree with freedom of speech, and I feel our country is a bit
overly poofy (not being homophobic) about hurting peoples feelings. Although we
have some stupid, NF, skinhead, dickheads in the UK – I’ve witnessed too many
uncomfortable moments in Australia, that makes me proud to be from an area of
the world that generally wouldn’t accept it those types of attitudes... But
thats probably just because im a “Bloody pommy c*#t” :p
VERDICT – UK
Ooooh! THE BIG ONE! (thats
what she said) How could I do such a thing!? I think ive spent a total of about
8 months in Sydney all together. I know it like the back of my hand - and
ironically... probably better than London!! :o Its true... Living in the city,
and Bondi, working there, drinking there. Ive done nearly every single tourist
attraction, ate at nearly every budget restaurant, and drank in nearly every
bar. I cant say the same about London... To start off, Sydney is a lot smaller
than London. You can walk around the CBD in half a day, and see all the sights.
As a tour guide I wouldn’t know where to start in London! It’s not really
walkable. London is quite spread out, and there’s a lot of hidden gems that
I’ll never know about. I suppose its all about the pros and cons... Sydney has
the beaches, the weather, the chilled vibe, the parks, the girls... I like the
fact you can do everything by walking, or just a bus or two, and you don’t need
to spend much money. London has the culture, the history, the atmosphere, the
cool vibe, and it just feels like home... We might not have the weather and
beaches, but we have loads of museums, old architecture, cool bars and pubs,
and the whole city is just very iconic. If I had to come down to it – I would
say Sydney is slightly better in the day, London is better at night... But
again... Swings and roundabouts...
VERDICT – Draw
So, what
have we learnt blog fans? Where does this leave us? Well, I guess you can never
really give a fair comparison on 2 countries. Its easy for someone travelling to
go “Oh, Brazil is amazing! New Zealand is beautiful!” But until you’ve actually
worked, played and lived in that country for a considerable amount of time, you
cant judge at all. I’ve been here in Aus a year and a half now. I’ve worked and
paid bills. I’ve come across arse-hole bosses, and met really nice locals. So
ive got a small taster of what it might be like to be an Australian, living and
working here. But its still not a fair comparison. For a start, I come from
Harrow, in England... In Australia, most of my time I’ve lived at Bondi beach. Therefore
my vision on each countries reality is probably clouded. I’m sure there’s some guys
living a very dull life in the outskirts of Sydney, that could come to London,
stay in Kensington a couple weeks, and think we all live like the royal family.
Also, I’ve seen quite a bit of Australia now, but aint really seen f*ck all of
England. So every time I speak about home, its from a Harrow point of view. I know
NOTHING about England lol.
Anyway – The
big question is, can I / will I ever live in Australia? Well, like I said, I
came here as a half way point of my adventure. Its just a stepping stone to
completing my bucket list. To stay in Aus, you really need to be sponsored by a
company to continue working here. Its never really been a realistic possibility
for me, so I never thought about it. But WOULD I, if I COULD??... Probably... NOT
:)
Its just not
where my heart and soul lies... Australia would be a great place to live, and I
think the Australian people are really lucky here. IF I was one of these guys
that was happy to come here, settle down, get a career, start a family, then
yeah... This would be a great opportunity for people like that. That just aint me
though... I came here as a “backpacker” and I will leave as a backpacker.
People come here with the intentions of bettering their life, and I respect
that. But to me, all these things in Australia will not make me happy. I left
the UK through lack of satisfaction, and until ive finished my planned route
around the world, I will never be satisfied lol. I don’t feel I belong here
either. Im not a surfer, im not a fisherman, im not a farmer, and I don’t hunt
animals or play gay rugby... So where
does that leave me? All jokes aside, Australia does feel cut off from the rest
of the world. One guy said to me he feels Australia doesn’t feel like real
life. It feels like a pop-up country for backpackers to roam around. The best
thing about living in London is it feels like earth has been shrunk into our
little city, and everything exists there for us. So unfortunately that time
will come where I will have to say bye to the sunshine, bye to the hot girls in
bikinis, buy to goon, bye to Sydney, bye to Australia... I will be coming home
better than ever!! :D
(You might
just have to wait a while)
;)
