Sunday, September 28, 2014

UK vs AUS


DUH DUH DUUHHH!!! We’re going to war bog fans! Now for all my British blog fans at home, I know you know AT LEAST 1 or 2 facebook contacts, in Australia, posting annoyingly smug statuses about beaches, sun and fun. Selfies, screen shots of weather forecasts, and generally touching themselves with gloating excitement...  BUT should you believe the hype!? What – is – the - deal!? Well, keep your shorts tight, coz im breaking shit down like a b-boy on a sugar rush...

 

 

FOOTBALL vs “FOOTBALL”

One of the main tings I miss about the UK is the football. Real football... If Australia wants to be taken seriously, they should really sort this shit out.  The AFL (Aussie Football League) is NOT football. If ANYTHING its a gay version of Rugby. Yeah, that’s right, I said it – Gay Rugby!... I don’t know what they were thinking when they created this game. Its basically Rugby but the pass the ball weird, and wear the TIGHTEST batty rider hot pants. I swear these guys must all be impotent or something. Its aggressive, I give them that, but naaahhh... Its no Premier League... Plus all their teams are called things like “The Storm!” and “The Rabbitohs!” The national football team is called the “SOCCEROOS” and the national basketball team is called the “BOOMERS” lol def gay though...

VERDICT – UK

 


 

DOGS vs DINGOS

Most Brits talk about this when coming to Aus. DANGEROUS ANIMALS... Australia has snakes that can kill you, spiders that can kill you, crocodiles that can kill you, sharks, cassowaries, dingos, kangaroos, even the bloody koalas can give you an STI! So think twice if you decide to bum one of them, blog fans... But seriously, what do we have in the UK? Pigeons and rats?... That’s about it when it comes to wild animals really. Oh, and maybe the odd fox or two. I’ve had a few close encounters with nasties in my time here. But to be honest, I’m still alive, so far, and at least the wildlife here is a little more interesting...

VERDICT – AUS

 

 

 
CHAVS vs BOGANS

I don’t know what the social definition for a chav, or a bogan really is. But from what I can tell, a bogan is pretty much the same as a chav. Suppose Jeremy Kyle is a good reference point... I think maybe chavs are a bit more urban and scummy - whereas bogans are usually dirty little rednecks with missing teeth... Dunno, maybe I’m a chav? Suppose it depends on how damning the chav / bogan labelling is really... Anyway... I hate rednecks, so...

VERDICT – UK

 

 

 
LAMBRINI vs GOON

OMG goon!! Gooooon!!! Ok, let me compose myself. I was never really a Lambrini drinker in the UK. For anyone who doesn’t know, Lambrini is a cheap wine in the UK, famous for 14 year old girls drinking it in parks. Which is pretty much what goon is for Aussies... Or maybe thats Passion Pop? I love a bit of P.O.P too, but lets focus on the goon for now :) It comes in 4ltr bags, and costs $12 on average. Its so cheap, that I think they cant legally label it as “wine”. Its called FRUITY LEXIA. Some people hate goon, and have bad reactions to it. But after a while - a beautiful thing. So many fun times and memories have been created, and so many brain cells destroyed :) Without it, id have a lot fewer friends in Aus, trust me... It brings a whole new meaning to “fun bags”! Ah, goon. I will miss goon... Good ol goon... Ah... Goon :D xxx

VERDICT – AUS

 

 


BOOZE vs GROG

As we’re on the subject of alcohol - let’s compare the rest. Goon aside, drinking in the UK is a lot better for many reasons. One of the main reasons is because of a dirty little word in Aus: “RSA”. Responsible Service of Alcohol. Its the biggest pile of shit ever. It basically means you’re supposed to go out to clubs, and dance, and talk... But you can’t get DRUNK, oh nooo! The drinking laws in Australia are PATHETIC! Bouncers won’t let you in clubs for being tipsy, you can get removed from clubs for ANYTHING, you can’t have doubles after midnight, no shots after midnight, shots are expensive and no offers are allowed... it sucks!! Without goon, I don’t know what they’ll do! So what are you supposed to do? Buy a beer and have a reasonable, sober conversation with my peers? Psst, Ich don’t think so blog fans. Goon and house parties is the way forward. Goon all night long please :D

VERDICT – UK

 

 


PRIMARK vs K-MART

Everyone loves a store that uses child labour to bring us cheap goodies! :) What’s the major difference? Well, K-Mart is a lot more like the American Wall-Mart. It has anything you can think of – from clothes, to kitchenware, to sports stuff, electronics. Primark is just a chaotic heap of shit really. You can only get clothes there, and shopping there usually feels like you’re doing grocery shopping at a manic New Delhi, Sunday market...

VERDICT – AUS

 

 
 

SARAHS vs SHEILAS

Time for me to get even more shallower... Which is better? Well, let’s just say the weather aint the ONLY hot thing in Australia blog fans! ;) Hell yeeeaa!... I mean, they probably get a bit of help from the tans, outdoor jogging, and beach lifestyles... Some of the Aussie girls have a rep for being a bit more stuck up though. Some come across as pouty little bitches. But still... Tamarama! ;)

VERDICT – AUS

 

 
 

BRONSON vs CHOPPER

I really don’t know. But it would be interesting... Dont know if im talking about the films, the people, or who would win in a fight... Dont even know why im typing about it... Just don’t know blog fans...

VERDICT – ???

 

 

 
CHRISTMAS vs “CHRISTMAS”

I’m approaching my 2nd Christmas in Aus, and it just aint the sames... Its approaching the end of September now, so in the UK, Christmas is probably in full swing. Which is kind of lame to be honest... Coz after our “summer”, there aint much more to look forward to. So by September, Christmas is in the shops, in the magazines, on the TV, in the adverts. Its everywhere. Which is shit... But when it finally comes around, we do it properly. Cold weather, knitted scarfs, Christmas jumpers, stockings, and a big roast. Thats what Christmas is all about!! None of that shrimp on the barbie bullshit!... Plus, they call Christmas crackers, “Bon-Bon’s”... Yeah, I know....

VERDICT – UK

 

 

 
EAST ENDERS vs NEIGHBOURS

I hate both... All soaps suck arse... But this aint about them two. It’s about TV in general. A lot of Brits have said to me “Australian TV is shit, init”. I suppose it depends on what you mean. I actually like Australian TV. They have a lot of good programs on, and every night there’s a decent movie or 2 to watch. But if you’re talking about Australian TV made by AUSTRALIANS, then yeah... Its pretty shit. Most of the stuff they play is British and American anyway. But all their game shows are just lame imitations, and the acting in their soaps is TERRIBLE! So I would actually say EastEnders wins...Plus, some of their regional adverts OMG... They make me cry with embarrassment...

VERDICT – UK

 

 


BOURNEMOUTH vs BONDI

Rhetorical question? A lot of Aussies say they don’t like Bondi. They think its over-crowded, and over hyped compared to other beaches they have. Which is true... But they obviously haven’t seen Bournemouth on a sunny day, have they... I think we usually match the entire Aussie population on that beach during our one week of summer. Spoilt bastards...

VERDICT – AUS

 
 

 

£ vs $

The pound is powerful, and is probably the best currency to travel with. But working in Australia, is so much more of a better deal than home. They get paid so much more, and although people say “Australia’s expensive”. It really isn’t, for most things. There’s always jobs available here too. I came to this country as a half way point of my travels, to save money and continue my travels. You can land jobs here with little to no experience or qualifications, and earn more than someone at home with a university degree. If you have a skill or trade, you could come here, and literally rape!

VERDICT – AUS

 


 

PISS OFF vs PEEEEEZ ORFFF

We def have cooler accents blog fans ;) We say “yog-urt” They say “yo-gurt”. We say “pasta” they say “parrrsta”. We say “Christmas crackers” they say.... “BONBONS!” ARRGHH!! Their accents can be a bit cringe. It doesn’t vary too much like ours either. Its either Aussie, or Bogan hillbilly. My argument is - we speak the correct way, as ENGLISH is from ENGLAND... :D Ha!!

VERDICT – UK

 

 


MARMITE & PENGUINS vs VEGEMITE & TIMTAMS

If you don’t know what Marmite and Penguins are, or Vegemite and Timtams. They’re BASICALLY the same thing. I don’t overly care too much about any of these products. Regardless to what the advert says – I don’t love OR hate Marmite. But I can be partial to it on a bit of toast now and then. I haven’t tried Vegemite yet. But ive smelt it, and it smells just like Marmite, mixed with baby diarrhea :/ Timtams are good though! I used to think they were a bit over hyped. But then i was introduced to the caramel, peanut butter, and white chocolate ones. Mmm...  Marmite beats Vegemite – Timtams beat Penguins...

VERDICT – Draw


 

 

HYDE PARK vs “HYDE PARK”

Obviously our Hyde Park in London, is the original - and Sydney are just faking the funk... But i cant judge them on that... In general, most Australian cities have lots of parks, and gardens, and they’re all really nice. One of the best things about living in Sydney was you could always just go to the park, or botanical gardens and just chill there... The sun it out, the grass is green, and you can get nice views, and you can do some bird watching (In both senses of the word). And you can bring GOON!! I’ve done about 6000 BBQs in various parks around Australia. I will miss them times when im back in the UKs greyness.

VERDICT – AUS

 

 

 
RITA ORA vs IGGY AZALEA

Yeah, I know ive probably just picked out the worst possible names to make a comparison on music. But which country has the best music scene? Rhetorical question? Another thing I miss about living in London, is the buzzing music scene. Whether it was a local or overseas artist, I could literally see someone I liked every week. I do love finding new music, and I have found a few pretty awesome artists from Australia... But to be honest, the list of amazing artists from the UK, just go on and on and on...

VERDICT – UK

 

 

 
TUBE vs TRAM

This aint a direct comparison of Londons tube, to Melbournes Tram. But a comparison of transport in general. Local transport in most of Australia sucks pretty bad. In a lot of cities the service has been irregular, slow, dated, and they use stupid systems. But then, you can look at the UK, and I haven’t seen hardly any of my homeland. This is mostly down to the ridiculous prices for trains and petrol, and all the bloody road works and traffic that holds people back from travelling it. I could probably fly from Adelaide to Darwin for cheaper than a train from London to Newcastle. But on the other hand, I cant get home from the centre of Darwin because buses stop running at 9:30pm. What the hell is that about?...

VERDICT – Draw

 

 

 
GRUB vs TUCKER

I spoke about food already, but a lot of people like to yap their opinions about it. I don’t see the big deal... Find something you like and shove it down your throat! The GENERAL opinion is... Our Nandos is better, their Subways is better. Their McDonalds is cheaper, their Burger King is called Hungry Jacks. Our chicken is cheaper, their beef is cheaper. Their fruit is expensive, but eating out is cheap. Our Indian is better, their Chinese beats ours... Blah blah blah blah!!... Nearly every Brit ive met has told me what food they miss from home. Ironically Britain has a reputation for having shit food. To be honest, I got the feeling ill be missing more food ive had out here, then I do from home now. Mainly because, eating out IS cheap! I will miss $1 hot dogs, $5 pizzas, $10 steak and mash, and 30cent Ice creams from McDonalds. Yeah, 30cent... Thats like, 17p. Its a joke... When you combine that with all the tasty Asian food they do round here, you can shove that “I miss Yorkshire puddings” attitude up your arse!

VERDICT – AUS

 

 

 
JAMES BOND vs CROCODILE DUNDEE

Just thought this category up... James Bond has crazy gadgets, drives flash cars, shags hot bitches, and saves the world... What does Crocodile Dundee actually do? Sharpen knifes and fingers crocodiles bumholes!? HA!...

VERDICT – UK

 

 
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS vs POLITICAL RESPECTLESS

Ooooh!! Touchy subject blog fans... Let me start off by saying race issues on Australia seem to be a big topic amongst backpackers. Im just gonna speak my opinion on it... To say Australia is a racist country, is a racist remark... So people saying that obviously aint very open minded, and don’t know how racial profiling actually works. What I CAN say though, is the UK seems to be a very “P.C”, and Australia is not. They’re overly patriotic, and patriotism is frowned upon back home. This is not about individual people, but just in general... Some things can be quite a shock compared to what im used to. This is not just racial, sexist, or religious issues. But even things like swearing and watershed on TV, is a lot more lax here. I think at the end of the day, all countries roughly have an equal amount racists and bigots - obviously. The main difference is when someone shouts something like “I fucking hate jews!” ..In Australia people are like “Hmm, fair enough” Whilst in the UK, you’ve probably already been decapitated... I agree with freedom of speech, and I feel our country is a bit overly poofy (not being homophobic) about hurting peoples feelings. Although we have some stupid, NF, skinhead, dickheads in the UK – I’ve witnessed too many uncomfortable moments in Australia, that makes me proud to be from an area of the world that generally wouldn’t accept it those types of attitudes... But thats probably just because im a “Bloody pommy c*#t” :p

VERDICT – UK

 

 

 
LONDON vs SYDNEY

Ooooh! THE BIG ONE! (thats what she said) How could I do such a thing!? I think ive spent a total of about 8 months in Sydney all together. I know it like the back of my hand - and ironically... probably better than London!! :o Its true... Living in the city, and Bondi, working there, drinking there. Ive done nearly every single tourist attraction, ate at nearly every budget restaurant, and drank in nearly every bar. I cant say the same about London... To start off, Sydney is a lot smaller than London. You can walk around the CBD in half a day, and see all the sights. As a tour guide I wouldn’t know where to start in London! It’s not really walkable. London is quite spread out, and there’s a lot of hidden gems that I’ll never know about. I suppose its all about the pros and cons... Sydney has the beaches, the weather, the chilled vibe, the parks, the girls... I like the fact you can do everything by walking, or just a bus or two, and you don’t need to spend much money. London has the culture, the history, the atmosphere, the cool vibe, and it just feels like home... We might not have the weather and beaches, but we have loads of museums, old architecture, cool bars and pubs, and the whole city is just very iconic. If I had to come down to it – I would say Sydney is slightly better in the day, London is better at night... But again... Swings and roundabouts...

VERDICT – Draw

 

 

 
Summary:

So, what have we learnt blog fans? Where does this leave us? Well, I guess you can never really give a fair comparison on 2 countries. Its easy for someone travelling to go “Oh, Brazil is amazing! New Zealand is beautiful!” But until you’ve actually worked, played and lived in that country for a considerable amount of time, you cant judge at all. I’ve been here in Aus a year and a half now. I’ve worked and paid bills. I’ve come across arse-hole bosses, and met really nice locals. So ive got a small taster of what it might be like to be an Australian, living and working here. But its still not a fair comparison. For a start, I come from Harrow, in England... In Australia, most of my time I’ve lived at Bondi beach. Therefore my vision on each countries reality is probably clouded. I’m sure there’s some guys living a very dull life in the outskirts of Sydney, that could come to London, stay in Kensington a couple weeks, and think we all live like the royal family. Also, I’ve seen quite a bit of Australia now, but aint really seen f*ck all of England. So every time I speak about home, its from a Harrow point of view. I know NOTHING about England lol.

Anyway – The big question is, can I / will I ever live in Australia? Well, like I said, I came here as a half way point of my adventure. Its just a stepping stone to completing my bucket list. To stay in Aus, you really need to be sponsored by a company to continue working here. Its never really been a realistic possibility for me, so I never thought about it. But WOULD I, if I COULD??... Probably... NOT :)
Its just not where my heart and soul lies... Australia would be a great place to live, and I think the Australian people are really lucky here. IF I was one of these guys that was happy to come here, settle down, get a career, start a family, then yeah... This would be a great opportunity for people like that. That just aint me though... I came here as a “backpacker” and I will leave as a backpacker. People come here with the intentions of bettering their life, and I respect that. But to me, all these things in Australia will not make me happy. I left the UK through lack of satisfaction, and until ive finished my planned route around the world, I will never be satisfied lol. I don’t feel I belong here either. Im not a surfer, im not a fisherman, im not a farmer, and I don’t hunt animals or play gay rugby...  So where does that leave me? All jokes aside, Australia does feel cut off from the rest of the world. One guy said to me he feels Australia doesn’t feel like real life. It feels like a pop-up country for backpackers to roam around. The best thing about living in London is it feels like earth has been shrunk into our little city, and everything exists there for us. So unfortunately that time will come where I will have to say bye to the sunshine, bye to the hot girls in bikinis, buy to goon, bye to Sydney, bye to Australia... I will be coming home better than ever!! :D

 

(You might just have to wait a while)


;)